“Imagine what your life would be like if you stopped resisting.” Vasavi Kumar
About Our Guest: Vasavi Kumar the outspoken host of the Say It Out Loud Podcast, upcoming author of the Say It Out Loud book (Spring 2023), Self-Expression Coach, and Actor.
As a First-Generation Indian Immigrant Vasavi made her parents proud by going to Columbia University to receive her (second) Masters in Social Work.
Through her Say It Out Loud group experience, 1:1 mentorship , and communication training, Vasavi helps her clients be more comfortable, confident, and in control during media interviews, tele-presentations, and interpersonal communication so they can show up confidently.
For more from Vasavi and to learn more about how you can stop hiding and start shining in your business, stop by her Instagram @mynameisvasavi or vasavikumar.com.
Episode Summary:
This episode is powered by the Move to Millions Method
When I was a little girl, I had one teacher who told me that there was greatness in me. And while all of us are greatness personified, most aren’t told it, don’t know it and certainly don’t feel it. That is all about to change. In this jaw dropping episode, I sit down with Vasavi Kumar who sets the record straight about why most cower in the face of our greatness. The truth is so many women don’t believe they are incredible because they doubt their abilities. If you have had an inkling that there is greatness in you and you are ready to stop bleeding it onto others, grab your pen and pencil and listen in to discover:
- How to dissect why people are shying away from their greatness and not letting themselves actualize their fullest potential
- Deep insights on how to overcome those fears
- And the real reason your business isn’t growing as you would like
- How to embrace “imposter syndrome” and step into your greatness
Don’t miss out on this episode and gain the mindset for growing beyond yourself.
Last Book Vasavi Read: Inner Boding Margaret Paul, PhD
Quote: Get busy living or get busy dying
Tool Vasavi Swear By: Self talk and mirror work
How to Connect with Vasavi:
Website: www.Vasavikumar.com
Instagram: www.instagram.com/mynameisvasavi
Twitter: www.twitter.com/askvasavi
Incredible One Enterprises, LLC is not responsible for the content and information delivered during the podcast interview by any guest. As always, we suggest that you conduct your own due diligence regarding any proclamations by podcast guests. Incredible One Enterprises, LLC is providing the podcast for informational purposes only.
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Vasavi Kumar: Bleeding Greatness
This episode is powered by Shatter Your Income Ceiling. It’s my brand-new private training where I walk you through the framework that my clients are using to shatter their income ceilings. They are starting to have $30,000 to $100,000 a month in their service-based businesses. Learn more and apply at WorkWithDarnyelle.com. In this episode, I sit down with Vasavi Kumar. I hope you have a helmet, shoulder pads and knee pads. You might even need some elbow pads because this conversation was everything to me.
Vasavi will serve you your whole life if you read this episode. I cannot express to you how much my life feels amazing right now as a result of Vasavi. I have no words. I don’t usually come on here with no words but that’s how good it was. It was so good that I was like, “As soon as we finish, I have got to do the show notes while it’s in my mind because Vasavi is phenomenal.” She is so transparent, open and willing to put her stuff out in the world so that you might become better.
Vasavi Kumar leads the coaching industry with years of experience and has helped thousands of women overcome major life obstacles to create new heights of success. Her work is known internationally from speaking engagements in India and across the United States. Vasavi is recognized for getting to the bottom of the intersection of self and business roadblocks. Her methods teach clients how to master the art of getting what you want by mastering your mind.
Vasavi is the Founder of the MIND Your Own Business membership community. She is a licensed therapist and the host of Being Human with Vasavi Podcast. She holds dual degrees in Special Education from Hofstra and Social Work from Columbia University. She has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, FOX and VH1. She was a regular on NBC’s Kansas City Live as the “Keepin’ It Real Guru.” She believes that when you cultivate a solid relationship with yourself, you can be, do and create anything that you want.
If you are anything like me, grabbing a pen and paper won’t help you. You are going to have to read this episode 2, 3, 4, 5 or maybe 6 times. It was that good to catch all of the amazing nuggets. There’s something powerful that Vasavi pulls out in me. She is a vessel of light and she draws the light to her. Some of the best quotes I have ever said in my life, said during this interview. I want you to get yourself together. Grab your helmet, shoulder pads, knee pads and elbow pads because I have no idea what might happen as you read my conversation with Vasavi Kumar.
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Vasavi, I’m so excited to welcome you to the show. How are you?
I’m great now that I heard your voice. That was the best hello I have received in a while. That needs to change for my life like, “Why is this the first time in a long time I have heard somebody say my name like that?” I need to change that. It’s so good to be here.
For me, it’s an exuberance of life. I can’t be like, “Vasavi.” It doesn’t even sound right. You’ve got to put some oomph with the V. Why don’t you take a quick moment and tell who you are in your own words?
I want to first start off by saying that how I have been describing myself has changed throughout the past few months and years. I’m a recovering addict and alcoholic. The reason why I say that is because that was the most pivotal moment in my life where I had to start looking at myself differently and treating myself differently. Until I got help and I got sober, I always saw myself as somebody who was broken and who fundamentally held onto this belief of, “I can’t handle.”
That was always what my mind told me. “I can’t handle pain. I can’t handle discomfort. I can’t handle too much joy. I can’t handle too much money. I can’t handle too much love.” I have had to learn to shift that. By the grace of God, I know my sobriety has been the reason why I now have shifted how I describe myself. Who am I? This is going to be the first time I say it in this way. I’m a kindhearted person who feels deeply for others so much so to the point that it hurts sometimes. I care about how human beings feel and talk to themselves and speak about themselves. I’m a woman who had to learn how to love herself, even when I didn’t want to love myself.
Let’s talk about that. Finish telling everybody who you are. That right there, I felt that in my soul.
I will get into what I look like on paper. I have been a licensed therapist for many years. I’m a mindset coach. I work with women who want to build their businesses. What I love to focus on is releasing those outdated beliefs that have been holding us back so much in our life, in our business and with our relationships in terms of how we treat ourselves. I have been doing that for many years since 2010.
When I think about you, even in knowing the period of time when you were in your addiction, you have always been a vessel of light to me. That’s what I always think about when I think about Vasavi. I remember all of that in everything that you have been through the years. Your addiction is not an excuse. It’s not a thing that makes you a victim. It is what it is and you have overcome even that. You have gotten beyond that. It doesn’t take away from who you are and what you bring to the table. It’s just something that you experienced. Tell me if I’m wrong. It helps to make you who you are.
Thank you for saying that. I had a guest on my show. She is a survivor of thyroid cancer. She said something that I want to share with your audience. She said, “I’m not grateful for my cancer but I’m grateful for who I have had to become as a result of that.” Darnyelle, I’m not grateful for the cocaine addiction that I had. That went from 1 day a week to 5 days a week in living an imposter life. I was telling people to live their best lives and do all sorts of things behind closed doors. I’m truly grateful because, as a result of my sobriety, the opposite of addiction is not sobriety. The cure for addiction is not sobriety. The cure for addiction is connection.
I have had to learn how to become more connected with myself. When I became more connected to myself, what I realized and I think it’s the thing I have always wanted to ignore because it’s too much for me to be with my greatness. I feel weird even saying this. There’s that voice in me that’s like, “You sound arrogant. You sound like you think that you are too good. People are going to think you think you are better than them.” That’s the thing that I have stifled within me pretty much since I was about twelve years old, like my teenage years in middle school. I appreciate you saying that.
For a long time, I used my addiction to make an excuse as to why I couldn’t be great. Even after I got sober, I said to myself like, “I have gone through all that. Who is going to take me seriously?” It wasn’t just one moment but it was a series of decisions. It’s still a series of decisions that I have to make on a consistent basis to decide, “Who am I going to be? Which energy am I going to be focused on? What thoughts am I going to believe?” Right before this conversation, maybe an hour before, I was feeling some way about a few things. I was getting a little stressed out about a few things. I said to myself, “I’m not going to stay in this because I’m Vasavi Kumar. I know how to make things happen. I’m clear.” I had to coach myself.
Sometimes you’ve got to encourage yourself. You have to get yourself out of it. What I love about all of that and everything that you said is that we all feel that way. I have had moments where I come face to face with my greatness and I want to shrink back. Can I keep it real? Our audience knows. It’s a burden at times. I have heard my whole life, “You are special. You are different. There’s something special about you.” Right after that goes the Bible scripture, “To whom much is given, much is required.”
Most fears for me were the fear of responsibility like, “Who am I going to have to be if I own up to the fact that I am the greatest of all time? What is that going to mean? How are people going to look at me differently? What are they going to be expecting from me? Am I going to now have to be dragged in lots of different directions because I decided to stand in my greatness?” That is the reason why so many people don’t go to their next level because the level that they aren’t is not that bad. There are good things happening at this level like, “Why do I have to go all the way out there? Why do I have to be in the upper echelon? Why do I have to be the example?”
Whatever the things we tell ourselves as to why we make it okay to shrink back, I call it our inner-incredible snatcher. The rest of the world calls it the imposter syndrome, to allow that to take us there. We were talking a little bit before we got started about all of the beliefs. It’s the beliefs that lead us to that place where we justify bargaining with our greatness instead of owning it because we have the ability to impact millions. Millions of lives will change because of the decision that Vasavi Kumar made.
You talked about the fear of responsibility. What I want to say to your audience is Darnyelle’s fear or my fear may be different than your fears but at the end of the day, it all boils down to the fear. That resonated with me. The fear of responsibility sounds a little bit like, “If I am truly great then I can’t mess up.” I have this fear of perfection like, “I can’t be human if I’m going to be great.” It’s so funny because I have a podcast called Being Human with Vasavi. Go figure.
This would route back to the second grade. Mine is, “If I am truly going to decide to be great then I am going to be so utterly alone because not everyone is going to relate to me. People are going to think I’m braggadocious.” You want to know something and your audience may relate to this. I have had this fear of my own greatness and the fear of being alone so I have very much been taking a look at, “What are the things that I do to smoke my spirit out? What are the things that I do to dull my spirit so that I can be somewhat great but not really great?” I do that.
A lot of us don’t realize we have these fears driving us until we are called to do that thing.
First of all, let me sidebar and say this. I’m supposed to be taking notes. I’m so captivated by what is coming out of her mouth that I have not written anything down. That means I will have to read this interview again. Let’s just say that because this is so good. I think about Langston Hughes’ poem, “What happens to a dream deferred?” This is why greatness is deferred because we have a fear of perfection and a fear of responsibility. All of these things are the reason why we don’t impact millions. Everybody, take a deep breath in.
A lot of us don’t realize we have these fears driving us until we are called to do that thing.
That part right there, that’s when it rises up. By then, we feel like it’s too late because we have already committed to greatness.
It does truly start with the decision.
We have to decide whether we are going to go forward because other people are depending on us or shrink back because we feel better staying where we are.
That is the ultimate duality. I want to tell your audience about this for anyone who has ever dealt with depression, anxiety or any mental illness. When I was twenty years old, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, which essentially is you have these two poles. You are either manic or depressed. It’s your highs and your lows. I owe it to my upbringing. I was raised in a Hindu household. There’s a lot of talk in our scriptures about the ego and the higher consciousness.
From a very young age, I remember asking myself like, “If I have these two sides to me, it’s not like multiple personalities. If I have these two poles, how do I bring myself back to a state of oneness? How do I truly become one with myself?” Every action that I take, I always ask myself like, “Is this the most aligned action that I can take?”
At the end of the day, I need to be able to look at myself in the mirror and I need to like my reflection. I need to be able to hit my pillow at night and be like, “I did the best that I could.” There’s nothing in me that’s splitting me apart because when you are split apart, that’s when you allow those voices and doubts to come in. Even if you are scared but you are aligned and you are taking action, I feel like you are truly unshakable. No one can mess with you because you are aligned within.
Alignment is everything. It goes all the way back. I say this all the time, “When we are born, we are vessels of light.” We come out of the uterus into the universe full abundance in that small nanosecond or whatever the amount of time is before they hand us to our parent, our mom and we do the skin-to-skin thing. We start to immediately become indoctrinated into the world of our family. We are introduced to lack and fear. Sometimes it’s not a lack-based fear. Sometimes it’s fear that you might catch a cold or it’s fear that you might talk to a stranger.
There are degrees of fear but it’s all fear nonetheless. The way that our little subconscious mind in those first seven years internalizes all of that fear has us coming into adulthood walking on eggshells and being afraid of our own presence, greatness and power. We cease to exist in the paradigm with which we were created. We cease to be who God saw us be before we were formed in our mother’s womb. We never get to realize that person because of everything that we face when we get here and then we realize that there’s greatness in us. Maybe someone has been telling us all along.
I had Ms. Dixon, my fifth-grade and then my sixth-grade teacher. She was the first person to introduce me to my greatness. She saw it way before I could see it as the angry little Black girl who was pissed off because her mom went to jail. She saw it and she was like, “You are not going to be an angry little Black girl on my watch. There’s greatness in you.” I was like, “What does that mean? Who do I need to become now?” I went home to my brothers and sisters, who were like, “There’s greatness in you. There’s something wrong with you. It’s greatness but it’s not a positive thing. It’s a negative thing.” We are constantly dealing with this two-faced reality of who we are and then we become adults.
I love that you shared that story about going home to your siblings. Your siblings didn’t know any better either. When you are that young and if either somebody has told you or you have the voice inside of you telling you like, “There’s something different about me. There’s something special,” the adults in our lives have no idea how to foster that greatness. I guarantee and I’m sure you have done the work to look at this. I know for sure how I did this.
When I was a kid, I didn’t know how to manage my greatness. What I did was squash it. Do you know how I always squashed it? I always squashed it by playing dumb and having problems in my life. I used to create chaos in my life. If I had chaos then at least I knew where to put that big energy. I have that big energy and I didn’t know what to do with it because no one taught me how to manage it. I always had chaos in my life so at least I had a place to put the energy instead of focusing that energy on cultivating and developing myself.
Mine was anger. I hid my greatness in anger. I was pissed off all the time. Until I was maybe 22, I cussed like a sailor. I had a big old potty mouth. If I say a curse word now, everyone is like, “Is everything alright?” They are clutching their pearls. They can’t believe it. That was the way that I channeled or hid my greatness because I like your word. I shrunk back in anger. It’s funny because even now, to this day, I find myself flying off the handle of things. If I’m being honest then I reflect back on an opportunity for me to rise up in greatness. I feel like I need to send you a payment for having a session with you.
You don’t need to do anything. This is a great conversation. I want to say this because a lot of women do have anger issues and anger challenges. I want to share this with your audience because I don’t claim to be perfect. I’m enrolled in a twelve-week women’s support anger management group because I, like you, have used my anger as a way to express myself. It has been difficult for me from a young age to handle that anger.
Having gone through three weeks of anger management support group, I now know that every time I was angry either at another person or also mostly at myself, it was always because I felt like I was not doing right by myself. I was angry at myself that I had abandoned myself, betrayed myself, let a romantic partner talk down to me and doubted myself. It was very misdirected anger towards myself.
Many women were not taught what to do with our greatness.
Many women were not taught what to do with our greatness. It shows up in the form of addiction, anger or choosing toxic partners. One is not better or worse than the other. They all deplete us of our energy. I appreciate you sharing that so transparently. My anger has gotten me into a lot of trouble in my life and it exhausted me.
It still gets me in trouble. I had a fight with my husband. We got into a dumb fight because of my anger because of my shrinking back in the face of an opportunity to be great. What are the hidden beliefs? What are the subconscious underpinnings that are creating this environment where we shrink back instead of rising up? Where does it come from?
I can speak from personal experience and what I hear with my clients. It’s a belief of, “I am not seen. You don’t respect me. I am not important.” People kill each other over not feeling respected. Think about a lot of the gangs and drug cartels. Where it comes from is that fundamental belief. It’s like, “I’m not being seen. I’m not being heard.” We get mad at everyone else for not seeing, hearing and respecting us. We want to feel visible in front of other people but it’s like, “Are you visible to yourself? Are you listening to yourself? Are you paying attention to how you feel?”
One of the best tools that I have learned is simple enough. It’s not easy at the moment. I got into a little bit of a tiff. One thing that I did was I stopped because you don’t have to react right away. I kept telling myself, “I don’t need to react.” What I did was I realized that I felt angry but then I dug underneath that and said, “What am I feeling?” Instead of blowing up, which has been my tendency, I said, “I’m feeling rejected right now. I need to take some space.”
When I said that, two things happened. One, I saw myself. I paid attention to how I was feeling rather than being like this wildfire. Two, I held onto my energy rather than having to be all over the place. I was able to revisit this conversation and speak from a more calm place. I didn’t give my energy away because you know how the cycle of anger works. You get angry. You say something you regret. The focus becomes on your anger and not the problem itself. You berate yourself. You need to overcompensate for being angry and you are the problem. The other person never needs to change because you are the one with the anger issues.
The reason why we are having this conversation is in case you guys are like, “Why are they even talking about anger?” The reason why is because 9 times out of 10, this is the word according to Darnyelle, “It’s your desire to live life at the level of millions.” I’m not just talking about the money. I’m talking about the impact. I’m talking about the ability to transform and change the lives of others. There’s this greatness quotient that thinking in millions represents for most people.
The reason why the numbers are so staggeringly low is something ridiculous like 3.51% of all small businesses. It’s almost exclusively inside of what is considered the non-employer entity space or in solopreneurs. 3.51% are the only people that make it beyond the million-dollar mark. That means the other 96% and some changes don’t. The reason why isn’t because you lack a skillset. It isn’t because you are not visible enough and you don’t have a strong, powerful brand. It isn’t because you sell low-ticket or high-ticket.
It’s because you have hidden subconscious beliefs, mindsets and anger. It’s things that are dimming the light on your greatness that you refuse to allow to dissipate so that your greatness can come through. You are afraid of your greatness. That is the reason why you can’t make a move to millions. It’s not the money. What I realized and I’m going to make this about myself. The first time I crossed the million-dollar mark was in 2014. I had been talking about doing millions from the moment I became an entrepreneur.
That was a large part of the reason why I quit my good job to start my own business because I knew that I had it in me. I set the goal for four years before I did it and in there was a bankruptcy. I’m also living in my car and going back to work. It’s all on the auspices of being a million-dollar business. These are the things that happen. When I finally crossed the million-dollar mark, it was the first time that I stepped fully into being a millionaire with every fiber of my being. It’s like thinking, acting, dressing and looking. Whatever that personified for me, I showed up fully in that energy.
The beautiful thing I love about God in this abundant universe that we get to live in, as soon as you show up being, God immediately answers you with the response of you having. As soon as I made the decision, there’s that word again. I became a million-dollar business. A couple of years went by, I wasn’t doing $1 million because I shrunk back. For whatever reason, I can give you all the excuses but then I decided to be it again.
We did $1 million in six months because it’s the decision to sit with your greatness. That’s the decision. It’s not to let your duality, your two-facedness or your ability to drive the car with the foot on the brake and the gas at the same time and expect to get to your destination but to make the decision to sit in the seat of your greatness and allow that greatness to permeate all that you are and watch everything show up.
Every time I have ever heard you speak, I get this electrifying feeling. When you said everything you said and it could be because I’m in a very good headspace, I felt calm when I heard you say that. I’m paying attention to how I feel in my body as I hear you talk. Usually, it’s almost like this unmanageable energy like, “I don’t know what to do but I felt like a calm yes.”
Also, one of the things that you said at the very beginning of our conversation was your fear of being irresponsible or this fear of responsibility. It’s interesting. It makes total sense. If you have had that subconscious fear of responsibility, it’s no wonder that it took you four years because it’s this fear of being irresponsible or having this responsibility. That’s why setting goals is so important. Even in setting that intention and saying that intention out loud, you can learn so much about what is holding you back even when you set those goals.
It shows up in your body right away. Now, I’m like, “I want to have a ten-figure company. We will do that next. Let’s do 8 figures first and then we will do 10 figures. How about that, universe?” The thought of having a $10 million business wouldn’t immediately call stress to sit on my shoulders. However, because I’m focused on being a $10 million CEO, it hits different. I’m not physically impacted in my body by it. My body is like, “Bring it on. Let’s take it. We can do this.” As opposed to the stress that would sit on me and prevent me from taking action, which will create the shrink back.
This would be beneficial for your audience to read this in full transparency. I have a six-figure business. It has been consistent. I have had to work myself. I have had to build myself back up. What I mean by that is I’m not even talking about business-wise. I was spiritually sick. There’s no other way to look at it. With addiction and all that, clearly something was off. I feel so inspired by hearing what you say about wanting to go into the $10 million mark. I want to say this to your audience because they may be in the million-dollar mark or not. I want them to see themselves in me.
It’s the work that I have had to do and I’m doing to go from six-figure to that next level, which is the seven-figure. This is what I have uncovered are my beliefs. My beliefs are, “In order for me to make a bigger impact, I’m going to have to give more of myself.” With that being said, I have this fear. It’s because I have seen my mother work so hard. She is a retired cardiologist. She did very well for herself but I saw a burnt-out workaholic mother who never had time for me. For me, it’s what I have had to work through, which is why I do practice extremely good self-love, self-care, self-talk and self-esteem practices. I told myself, “I don’t have to burn out to be successful.” That’s the work that I’m doing.
Acceptance does not mean resignation. Acceptance means confronting where you are at.
It’s important to work too because that was my thing too. I believe you had to work hard to make more money. When I first started making money and it wasn’t hard, it felt icky and used. It felt like I was doing something wrong and then I realized that’s because I could hear my father say, “You’ve got to work hard for money. Any money that you get and you didn’t work hard for is not going to feel right.” I could hear him. I had to silence that inner critic and realize that might have been his truth but it doesn’t have to be my truth.
I can create the processes and hire the people that are the extension of the transformation so that my impact is felt on the Earth without having to be my direct connection because I have done my work to document the processes, trademark, do whatever and teach it to the people who are going to go out. I have this big mission. I want to reach millions of people. I personally want five million people to become multiple-million-dollar companies as a result of my work. I could never reach five million people on my own. I could never do that. I would be on my deathbed. How many are we up to? We would be up to however many.
If I build a team, scale my business and set up the systems where we could serve 1,000 people at a time or whatever the things are and if we could create a TV show that allows us to go into these many homes on a network, I had to start realizing that it was not physically up to me alone to be the change I wanted to see in the world. That only started because I started to think like a CEO and I used Bank of America. I don’t know why. I always use Bank of America as the company. I’m like, “Do you think that the CEO of the Bank of America is sitting around and trying to figure out how to talk to his client? He is not.”
The things that we in this digital marketing space and these coaches that we sit and ponder, I’m like, “Real CEOs don’t think about this stuff.” Real CEOs say, “We need to reach more people. We need to hire somebody who can help us reach more people.” They are not trying to be the one who reaches more people. It’s largely because of ego. We have this insatiable need based on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs to matter and have importance in us. That spills over negatively into ego. We spend too much time on our ego and not enough time on our ability to look outside of our ego and realize what needs to change. All of this impacts our ability to be able to impact others at the highest of levels.
It all impacts the thing that we have been saying we want to do. One thing that I want to highlight is how you were able to distinguish that was your father’s voice. That’s a perfect example of you uncovering where those beliefs came from. Some of us are holding onto beliefs that aren’t even ours. We are living lives that aren’t even ours. They have been passed on down to us from generation to generation. We could all serve to give ourselves time, space and silence. I’m a firm believer in talk therapy and saying it out loud because when you say it out loud, you start to see the BS that you are saying. I didn’t curse. When we say it out loud to another human being, it does help. They can be like, “Where did that come from?”
You can hear yourself and then realize, “That was terrible. I can’t believe I said that.”
One of the best ways to uncover those subconscious beliefs, here is the thing. Most people try to change their behavior. If you look at the person who is like, “I want to stop doing this. I want to stop doing that. I need to stop doing the thing,” then they find themselves going back to doing that thing. You have to understand what is driving you to do that behavior in the first place, which all boils down to what you believe about yourself.
For example, when it comes to romantic relationships, I’m happily single by choice. One of the things that I have always said that I wanted is, “A man to see me. A man to hear me. A man to love me.” When I did the work and I looked at the belief that was driving my choices when it came to romantic partners, it was always like, “I’m too much and I’m going to have to overwork myself to make this relationship work. I had to make a relationship work.” The burden of the relationship falls on me always. I always attracted people in my life where that came true. We will always look for ways to prove our belief is right even though we logically know that’s not what we want.
How do we start the shift? What do we need to do for those who are reading that will read this and say, “They perfectly depicted what is going on with me?” What are the steps to stop allowing those inner voices? I call them your inner-incredible snatcher. What do we do to stop allowing them to run the show, reclaim our greatness and open ourselves up to sit in the seat of being fully who we are supposed to be?
The very first step is to acknowledge that up until this point you have no idea what you are doing. Whatever you have been doing up until this point hasn’t worked. I’m going to take a page from the twelve-step recovery process. The first thing that I did when I checked into rehab and I didn’t want to do it. I had to admit my powerlessness. In the face of this substance, I crumble. I have absolutely no power when it comes to that.
For you, the audience, you might be in the face of setting big goals, in the face of money, in the face of marketing myself or in the face of whatever. Fill in the blank, “I am powerless. I shrank. I become small.” You have to confront it. No amount of positive affirmation is going to help if you fundamentally believe that you suck. I’m sorry. If you subconsciously believe that you are not worth it, that you are irresponsible, that you are not good enough, you can say, “I am worthy,” all day long. If you fundamentally believe that you are unworthy, you are not going to believe a word that you are saying.
You have to acknowledge first where you are at. Accept your reality. Acceptance does not mean resignation. Acceptance means confronting where you are at. Look at the reality of where you are at. Look at how much money you have. Look at your marketing. Look at your systems. Look at your mindset. Look at your self-love and self-care practices. Look at all of it. Acknowledge it.
The second thing that I want you to do once you acknowledge where you are at is to identify what you want. Be as big and unrealistic as possible. What is it that you want? Do you want to have a personal chef? Do you want to have a $10 million business? Do you want to have three luxury cars? I don’t care. Once you identify what it is that you truly want, that’s when the floodgates are going to open.
If you don’t truly declare and step into and say out loud what it is that you want, you never have to confront your beliefs. As long as you don’t say out loud and proclaim what you want, you get to be small. That’s it. It’s permission to be small. We always talk about permission for greatness. You give yourself permission to be small when you keep your mouth shut and when you don’t say what it is that you want out loud. When you don’t tell another human being your dreams and you keep it all to yourself, you get to play small.
First of all, I love talking about money because we need to normalize the conversation. We can give it way too much power. That’s part of why I talk about some other things that are in my life because it forces me to play big but it also forces God to show up because he is not going to be a liar in anything. If I keep it to myself then it doesn’t come true. If I put it out there and I put it on him and it doesn’t come true, he is not about to lose his track record from me. He is not going to start with me so he is going to show up. That’s good. I love that. After I acknowledge and then I identify, what is the next thing?
Once you identify what you want then the floodgates of all the beliefs are going to come through. I’m going to preface it with all this verbiage before I get to it. This here is a non-negotiable. You absolutely have to do this next step. You have to ask for help. There is no way around it. There is no, “Let me get the $297 course.” Maybe yes but here is the problem with that. If you have never taken the time to address your beliefs, you could buy a course that could help for a little bit but the problem is your mind will win because you have not trained your mind. Your mind is always going to take over.
No amount of positive affirmation will help if you fundamentally believe that you suck.
You are not going to win because your mind has been trained to lose, always for you to lose. Your mind has been set up to keep you safe. I’m not calling you a loser but it has been trained to keep you small, which keeps you losing in life. You have to ask for help whether it’s to join your mastermind, work with you or work with a therapist. Work with someone who is qualified to help you uncover those beliefs. Look at how it’s affecting how you show up your energetic vibration, the thoughts you think, the actions you are taking in your life and the inevitable results you now have in your life.
Stop trying to do it alone. I would be extremely arrogant to sit here and say like, “Darnyelle, I got sober completely on my own.” It’s absolutely not. I had a sponsor. I was an intensive outpatient in my twelve-step group. I needed all those things because I’m clever that I can convince myself as to why I need to slip back and play small. I’m good at doing that. Most of us are. God is great but please stop thinking that just praying, it’s enough. It’s not because you have to co-create.
If I had a dime for every time when I say, “I’m going to pray on it,” and then what? God is already giving you the power. What are you waiting for? Are you waiting for the heavens to open again for another donkey to ride in? Ask for help. Do I do anything else then do the help? Is that the next step?
That’s it. I always use my story of rehab. When I went back to rehab the second time, I was an inpatient. It’s not fun to be in residential rehab especially for someone like me who is destined for greatness and wants to help people. I’m in a residential rehab with no phone, computer and money. I remember telling myself, “I never want to be back here again feeling like this.” I said to my counselor Carl, “Carl, what do I need to do to never be back here again?” He goes, “I need you to forget everything that you have told yourself about and do on your own. I need you to listen to every single thing that I tell you to do.” I said, “Okay.”
I know this is going to sound harsh, “I need you to shut up, listen and ask those questions.” I’m not saying to your audience to blindly listen. Question everything. I want you to question it but question it from a place of, “How is this going to help me,” versus, “Why should I do that?” It’s two totally different energies. Question because you want to learn and grow. Don’t question because you are resisting because you have been resisting your whole life.
Imagine what your life would look like if you were to stop resisting all the messages that have probably shown up in so many different ways. Whether it’s that meme on Instagram or that Facebook Live that you do, think about all the opportunities and messages that you have gotten that you have resisted. Imagine if you stop resisting for 90 days. Stop resisting for 90 days and do what you have been told to do and do it.
That right there is the mic drop. I want you to imagine what it would be like if you stopped resisting. Write it out. List all of the things that would be possible to you if you stopped resisting and started going with the flow. You healed a nation. You set people on a trajectory to get their whole life, whatever that might need to be with each of these steps but especially with that last question after step four, which I wrote down is, “Shut up, listen and ask questions from a place that will help.” That is so good. I don’t feel like there’s anything else that we need to say. Do you feel complete? Do you feel like there’s something else we need to say?
I have one last thing that I want to say that would help. The thing that keeps coming to me is that I have found that the number one thing that people resist is feeling proud of themselves and feeling good about themselves and truly feeling accomplished because someone somewhere along the line made them feel small. Now, you have taken the responsibility to make yourself feel small. That’s all I want to say. Allow yourself to feel good about yourself.
What is the last book you read?
The last book that I read is right here and it’s called Inner Bonding: Becoming a Loving Adult to Your Inner Child. That’s by Margaret Paul. For anyone who needs to work on their self-talk and be kinder to their inner child, which is the house of your creativity, Your Inner Child is a great book.
What is your favorite quote?
My favorite quote is, “Get busy living or get busy dying.” It was in The Shawshank Redemption.
What is the tool that you swear by to grow your business?
It’s going to maybe be a little weird. My greatest tool is self-talk and mirror work. I’m looking in the mirror every day, reminding myself of who I am and having a pep talk with myself every day.
Thank you so much for being here, Vasavi. This was awesome.
You are amazing. I love you. Thank you.
I love you too.
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You thought I was playing. Did you take your helmet off yet? Now that you have finished reading this powerful episode, I know that you feel like I feel. You’ve got your whole life. There are so many powerful things that Vasavi shared with us. My favorite part was towards the end of our conversation when we gave you a prescription for how to get beyond yourself. The four steps were acknowledging, accepting your reality and knowing that acceptance doesn’t mean settling. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong. It’s just that you get it.
Number two is identifying what you want and being as unrealistic as possible because that is what will cause the floodgates to open. I love that she said this, “If you don’t say out loud what it is that you want, you get to stay playing small.” Number three, what she said was non-negotiable to ask for help, “Your mind has been trained to lose so you need someone to help you to win.” Number four is my favorite, “Shut up, listen and ask questions but ask them from a place of how will this help you instead of a place that you are naturally in.”
The powerful question at the end that will change the game for you if you let it, “Imagine what your life would be like if you stopped resisting.” That is my assignment for you. I seldom give out assignments on this show but I made you do your work and I need you to grab your journal. I want you to put some soft music on, ideally some instrumental so that there are no words to distract you. I want you to journal for 15 to 20 minutes and imagine what your life would be like if you stopped resisting. If you do that, you will open yourself up to begin the journey to make a move to millions. I will see you next time.
Important Links
- WorkWithDarnyelle.com
- Vasavi Kumar
- Being Human with Vasavi Podcast
- Carly Brown Episode 22 – Being Human with Vasavi Podcast previous episode
- Inner Bonding: Becoming a Loving Adult to Your Inner Child
